What Mr. Tulane taught me

With tears streaming down my face and sobs and wails erupting from deep with-in me, I understand. I understand about love and why we love and why we must keep our hearts open in order to love again. This, I learn from a children's book. How could a lesson of this magnitude be written and understood for children? Why not? I would most certainly want my child to understand the meaning of love. And here am I, 27, and re-learning what it's all about.
Keep your heart open and never give up hope that there is someone out there to love and love you in return. Of course this could only effect me in such a manner b/c I am a lover of a certain stuffed animal that has always accompanied me, and of course I am nursing a broken heart.

I felt just like this character in this story b/c he was so heartbroken he didn't see the point in loving again; it just hurt too much when it was over. The words I read were never more true, never more meaningful, and I don't believe I would have ever truly understood them until today. The voice of reason coursed through him, just like those around me and as badly as you want to give up and resign to being alone, you must break through and open up again. We, as God's creation, are designed for love. We need it and yearn for it. Of course it is painful when we must let it go, but we shall find it again. And think about it, we always do.

I can't lie, I have always loved again and I have been loved as well. It's not just in the manner of boy/girl love either, it is all manners of love. The love of an understanding friend, a surrogate mother, an animal... Love is all around us and it's important not to let it go. It may be our duty to lift someone else up one day and remind them what love is all about, or maybe someone will remind us. I haven't cried these kind of tears in awhile, and it felt good, refreshing, cathartic. Yet, now I must re-open what I hoped would remain closed for awhile, my heart. I had even closed myself to my own pet rabbit (if that's not a dark heart I don't know what is.) Needless to say, as sad and lovely as this storybook was, it helped me to understand the true meaning of love and the important responsibility behind it. It should never be a fleeting word or emotion, but one to be savored and relished.

I can only pray and hope to continue to keep my heart open to love of all kinds and to let it flow out generously.

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by: Kate DiCamillo

Invisible barrier

Turns out that I'm not as fine as I first thought. Besides being mad as hell, I'm utterly lonely. While I was dating 'computer geek' I knew I needed more friends and I was desperately looking, but now I'm seriously out of luck. I lost my love and my friend and that just sucks. Also I've lost time at work so I basically have the most time on my hands I've ever had and no one to spend it with. I have been reaching out to other people at work, b/c people say that's the best place to make friends, but they are not reaching back. LA is not the town to make friends or at least decent ones. The friends around me are suddenly moving away, taking very long vacations, or just not around. My passion for acting has burned out for now and my lack of funds has made that happen, dramatically. I hate being the sourpuss, but that's what I'm going through right now and it's just not pretty. I need a soft place to land. There are so many things I want to do and now is the time I should be doing them, before I get tied down (if I ever do.)

All I know is that I am miserable, completely alone and unhappy. I am living my days like I'm waiting for the grim reaper, and my friend, that is no way to live a life. I wish I could take a happy pill b/c I would, in a heartbeat. I don't want to think about my wasted year and who I wasted it for. I don't want to think about anything, I want to do what I want to do. I want to not be scared, but feel driven towards a goal. I want to be surrounded by people who love and care for me and that only leads to me to one place... "The best is yet to come, darling, the best is yet to come." Oh, Lord, don't fail me now! (you never do)

and I thought Thanksgiving was sad for turkeys!

Well, today I am a turkey; in more ways than one. My computer geek bf broke up with me over the phone, again! "What?" yes, over the phone and again. The first time he broke up with me was over the phone right before I went to work and tonight (2 days after having probably the biggest fight ever) I invited him over for tonight or tomorrow and he called to say he wouldn't be coming over at all, again. Damn! He asked if I was really surprised and I told him I was, b/c he always told me he'd never be the one to break up with me again, it would have to be me that did it. Well ladies, that is not the case! When a man no longer wants to date you and he feels backed into a corner, he'll show his fangs.

The topic of contention has always been marriage, that dirty little 'm' word. I am very fond of it and he is not. Seems like I unassumingly pick the guys who are marriagephobic. WTH? What is it about me that seems to draw them into my life? And why do I endulge them and get my hopes up? I'm totally at that dreaded part of: "i'll never find anyone like him again! b/c he knew this, we did that, he liked this, he fixed that, etc." but logically that is a bunch of bologna. I know that, but dammit if it still doesn't hurt like a b****.

There is someone better suited for him and myself out there; now question is if we'll ever find them. For that I pray and wish every night. .. Agh! stupid girl! he was not my white horse and I'm not his princess! So.. I'm moving on and on to someone better ;) yeah! go me, you da bomb! yeah! go! .. -*cricket, chirp, chirp*

Dehydrated

I am completely friend deprived. I never thought I would be experiencing such a loss in my life before, but alas here I am. I have never had to work so hard at finding friends, making them, and keeping them. Lots of people tell me that is the nature of L.A., but I'm not so sure. My cousin has been friends with lots of people in L.A. for years and that was even before she had kids.

When I first moved here I was friend hungry and went searching them out and slowly began finding them, and funny thing is that most turned out to be guys. Well flash forward to now, 4 years later, and those guy friends have gotten married, become my bf, and have just grown apart. I have been actively looking for girl (friends), even joining a women's bible study at my church, but felt like a complete outsider for months and decided not to go back. I work with all guys and the girl-friends I had made have gradually moved on, while I stay right here trying to find out what happened.

Do I smell? have horrible breath? Am I ungrateful? I wish it would rain friends. My girl-friends back home are just that; 2500 miles away and that certainly puts a damper on the relationship. I feel so not a part of anyone's life, even out here. Even my cousin (who I would like to think I am close with) didn't even think about asking me to pick her up from the airport. She forgot about me. I just feel like I am making a lot of effort to make the friendships I do have, last, but it doesn't feel reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to someone about that, but wouldn't that be easy if they were true friends?

There is a big part of me that would jump on the next plane back to the Midwest if there were any good acting jobs and the weather was better. My family (most of whom I like) and most of my good, solid friends are there. Unfortunately, my old city may be a booming metropolis, but it is still a long way off from L.A. and that's what keeps me here. I just wish I had more to show for actually being out here, especially for not having any friends. One would think I was a workaholic, or married w/ kids, or fame crazed. But I'm none of those things. I might as well go back to college along with all the others who haven't figured out their lives.

Underprepared n00b

Yesterday I went to my acting class and my teacher asked me "so what did you do this past week to work on your career?" 'Shit.' I am a horrible liar, so I told him the truth. 'I didn't do anything.' I thought 'I can't be the only one who didn't do anything this week,' but apparently I was.

Everyone in the class had done something productive and over half are already in the union. Wow, I am farther behind than I thought. My excuses are just that, but they are a bit valid. The next step I need to take would be printing up my new headshots, but I have absolutely no extra money to do so. Luckily I had my cousin's husband take new shots for me, but now I must narrow down a good one and get it photoshopped. I also need to show it to my acting teacher before I get it printed, but I am so damn scared he'll say it sucks. Which would be good to know beforehand, but no one wants to be told to do it again, and do it better.

I know, I need to stop whining. Just show him the picture and if he says 'no' then show him some more till he finds one he likes. In the mean time, get off my lazy ass and humble myself to get a second job that will help me get closer; faster to printing up new headshots. I am too worried about not having health insurance that I stay in a job I hate and it sucks away a lot of my free daytime to sleeping (b/c I work overnight). If I had any guts and really wanted to make my way in this profession I would quit my job, work everyday as an extra and have another job to make ends meet. That way I'd be making money and also be getting closer to getting SAG vouchers. Ugh! Instability sucks big time! No, wait, being too scared sucks big time. Boo! Somebody kick me in the arse and fire me :)

My leap

I just watched the movie Broken English. I am Norah in that story, at least most of the time I feel like her. She is in a rut and tries to reach out to others, but they just don't understand what she needs or what she is going through. You just need to see the movie to truly understand what I mean.

At one point she travels to Paris to find this guy she had a fling with for a weekend. They shared a spark, but traveling to Paris was a huge leap. She is not the type of girl to venture out into the unknown. Even her best friend reminds her that she has a horrible sense of direction and is too shy. Yet, Norah remains in Paris, sans her bff and attempts to 'find her own path' on her own and perhaps find her lover.

Only when she truly opened herself up to new possibilities and started to be alright within her own skin, did she let her guard down and eventually find her missing lover. This is something that I didn't understand until I lived it exactly one year ago. My bf (yes the computer geek) and I had broken up 5 months prior and I was in some desperate need of adventure.

One night I met this funny, genuine, New York lawyer at the hotel I work at and we got to talking a lot during his stay. It was never anything flirty or sexual, it was just friendly and that was refreshing in itself. He was in town meeting friends and talking over his movie project, but at that I just rolled my eyes. I really didn't believe anything he said, but when I looked him up on IMDB, I shut my face! He claimed to have been on Law and Order and was friends with Chris Noth and he wasn't lying. When he checked out he left me his number and told me to look him up if I made it to NY. Yeah right!

Well a month later I started thinking "why not?" and picked up the phone and left him a silly message about possibly coming to NY. He was stoked! I was freaking out! The prices for a hotel were ludicrous and I didn't know what to do. I finally remembered one of my friends was a Rockette and living in NY. I reached out to her and she offered me a place to stay! Now, I needed to buy the plane ticket. Everything fell into place and I ended up spending four of the best days of my life in NYC. I was on my very own and could do anything I wanted. My lawyer friend took me out to a play, dinner, and a Giants game. I took a tour of NYC and saw the Empire State Building (where I met a French stranger). I walked all around the city and went through Central Park. I took the subway and ate my weight in pizza. I loved every single second. The feeling of freedom was exhilarating. I place this trip as one of the best moments of my life, mainly b/c I took hold of a dream I had and I turned it into fruition. It could have been a disaster, but that would have been a great story too. The point is that at least I did something, I made a leap.

Now, even though I am completely in love with my computer geek, I feel lost and out of control. Partly b/c I don't have my second income and can't jet off anytime I like, but also b/c I have lost my footing on my dreams. He sees them in me and wants to make them happen, but I am the only one who can do that. His life is going the way he wants, and mine is kind of at a stand still. This is my winter and I know that, but I am looking very forward to spring.

that was easy

Um, too easy. My bf is a computer geek who knows everything about them and I can't believe he kept a straight face when I asked him if it was easy to set up a blog. It took literally 3 steps and *poof* my little grey castle is born.

If you're curious in the name, maybe I'll explain or maybe I'll lead you on for awhile. If you don't care, you would've stopped reading by now.

-So I'm still at work and set-up my own blog, now that's working hard. I would love to be anywhere else. At least I work overnight, so no one really bugs me, save the annoying guests I deal with on a regular basis. More to come.. promise-