On The Brink

Could I really be dealing with this? Am I seriously at this point in my 28 years?

I pride myself on being an excellent employee, but I guess it wasn't enough for my most recent employer. I was placed on an unofficial probation without pay for four days; and then my boss will decide if I am worthy enough to come back. I have Never, Ever been fired, let alone put on probation and this is just killing my spirit. I will be honest and let you know that I did make a lapse in judgement by leaving the office and using my lunch hour to donate blood in our building and not informing my boss, but he is now telling me it is not just about that. I have done nothing but work my bum off for this guy and his company and now, after singing my praises for three months, he lets me go in the blink of an eye.

At this point, I will walk away with barely a sliver of my dignity, but nevertheless I will walk away. I feel like such a failure and I am really getting tired of it! I am always the friend with drama going on in her life and I really don't want to be that girl anymore. I have family drama, boy drama, work drama, what else is there? I hate being the one with all the stories and all the problems. I cannot believe I am starting over so late in life; yet in comparison to some it is not that late. I don't have a purpose either, and that scares me. I know what I want to do and what I desire, but there is really nothing for me to get out of bed for. Almost all my friends have at least a husband, but most have kids. I can't even handle keeping a decent guy around. It's like I am wearing 'good' repellent. I feel like I am finally getting on the right track with God and living the way He wants me to live, but I just can't catch a break.

Maybe I am full of breaks though, just not the ones I want. Will it take a man, job, kids, or fame to define me? If so, I have a bigger problem than I ever imagined. I don't want to be the 'fun crazy Aunt,' nor the loser friend that can't seem to make it on her own. Right now I am completely full of embarassment, frustration, self-pity, deflation, you name the negative adjective and that's how I feel. I want to be someone my parents are proud of and my friends look up to and strangers admire. I don't need wealth or fame and don't necessarily desire it. I just want to make a positive impact in people's lives and most importantly in my own. Is that just too much to reach for? Am I destined to fail at that too? God I hope not..

Caved

I can't believe I pushed so many things out of my mind! It's like when you don't write in your journal for months and then finally pick it up, you can't believe you wasted so much time! Frankly, I've been too scared to write. I've been too scared to do a lot of things, but not too scared to follow my heart. I left L.A. 4 months ago, but I'm still not sure for how long. I needed to get away, sometimes it feels like the city starts running your life and you forget who is really in control. Maybe in a way I ran, but nevertheless I vacated and I have not regretted it for one second.

I have been able to catch up with 'me' and my wonderful, amazing friends that have begged me to come home for awhile. At first I came with fire and passion, but ended up jobless for 2 months. That was a rude, but necessary awakening. Now, I am fresh out of a 2 month fling and working diligently with a great company and really enjoying myself. I never thought I would be content living back home again, but it's actually been really great. I honestly don't know how long I'll be here, but it feels really great to know I don't have to set roots anywhere! I live only for God and myself and I will venture wherever he leads me. I love that feeling of not being tied down anywhere! I may not love the fact I'm single, but perhaps it suits me right now, because I'm not sure of where I want to be.

I'm not sure if I want to go back to acting (in LA) or if I want to go back to school or join the Peace Corps or maybe I'll meet my husband and we'll want to start a family! I have no clue and I am actually OK with that. I may seem like a very clueless girl who is way too afraid of commitment, but I honestly don't believe I am. I am still young and have no attachments, so it's great to kind of figure it all out as I go along.

I caved in though; I called the computer geek. I would Never have guessed I would ever call him. It's been 7 months and I have been going strong! But, boom! I am watching this movie and I am flooded with this memory of us and I get a little nostalgic. I'm not thinking of how we could get back together, I am honestly missing his friendship. Usually there is another motive, but there isn't this time. I guess I don't really know what I expected, but I just wanted to talk to a friend I hadn't missed, until now. It was probably the wrong move, but it's too late and I can't undo it. It was probably best he didn't answer, but he's going to get one seriously crazy message. What was I to say? It was awkward and silly, but that's pretty much me. Hopefully, I'll keep plugging away and not linger too much in the past. I know and he knows, that we just aren't right for each other, but it doesn't take away all the time we spent together, nor the silly inside jokes we made! Ugh, those kill me! OK, I will get my head on straight and continue to carry on. I've been doing great, and there is no reason I can't continue to do so. I promise not to wait so long next time.

My Biss

I found bliss the other day and I wasn't even looking for it. Of course I want it all the time and yearn for it, but on this particular day, it wasn't on my mind. I decided to take a much overdue trip to the beach, with my rabbit in tow. We ventured to a new little spot farther down than we usually go. I found a pretty secluded spot on this secluded piece of beach, and set up our usual routine: blanket and her open cage door. I sit on the blanket and stare out at the sea with it's roaring waves and breathe in the salt air, all while waiting for Pinguini to make her debut.

We sat for awhile and at one point she curled up in the crook of my body and I laid my head down and just pet her. The temperature was just perfection; warm sun on my face and a steady cool breeze running over us. She never likes to go far from me, so she usually stays right up alongside me or underneath me. I love the feeling of being sought for protection and love. There was nothing in the world I needed to do, no where I needed to be except right there on the beach with that wonderful creature.

I adopted Pinguini two years ago, the first time my heart was broken in L.A. I went to the pet store looking for a hamster or something for minor comfort and I saw this beautiful white bunny in a homemade rabbit hutch, off to the side of the store. I wanted so badly to pet her, but was a little afraid because her eyes were so blue they appeared red in the light. I thought "oh what a cute bunny, as soon as I stick my hand in there she's going to go possessed on me!" But there were these two children who opened up her cage with no timidity and pet her and she licked their hands. I couldn't help but smile and think, "well, if she didn't bite them.." So after they walked away, I reached my hand in and she licked me too. She gave me so many bunny kisses and it just filled up my heart.

For awhile I wasn't sure I should've adopted her, because I had no idea how much work rabbits can be, but all along the way someone was looking out for both of us. She may occasionally get startled and nip me, but overall she has brought a light to my life and I understand what it's like to need companionship. I was never one to rely on an animal for it, but she is so special. I took her to the beach with me about a week after I got her and she never once tried to runaway. Since the beach seems to be our special spot I named her after this little cafe that sits right near where we park. Everytime I would see the cafe's sign I would giggle and smile; just something about the word was funny to me and brought up my spirits. Therefore I christened her "Pinguini" and everytime I say her name or see her I am filled with love and utter bliss. I wish everyday could be a day just like this.