On The Brink

Could I really be dealing with this? Am I seriously at this point in my 28 years?

I pride myself on being an excellent employee, but I guess it wasn't enough for my most recent employer. I was placed on an unofficial probation without pay for four days; and then my boss will decide if I am worthy enough to come back. I have Never, Ever been fired, let alone put on probation and this is just killing my spirit. I will be honest and let you know that I did make a lapse in judgement by leaving the office and using my lunch hour to donate blood in our building and not informing my boss, but he is now telling me it is not just about that. I have done nothing but work my bum off for this guy and his company and now, after singing my praises for three months, he lets me go in the blink of an eye.

At this point, I will walk away with barely a sliver of my dignity, but nevertheless I will walk away. I feel like such a failure and I am really getting tired of it! I am always the friend with drama going on in her life and I really don't want to be that girl anymore. I have family drama, boy drama, work drama, what else is there? I hate being the one with all the stories and all the problems. I cannot believe I am starting over so late in life; yet in comparison to some it is not that late. I don't have a purpose either, and that scares me. I know what I want to do and what I desire, but there is really nothing for me to get out of bed for. Almost all my friends have at least a husband, but most have kids. I can't even handle keeping a decent guy around. It's like I am wearing 'good' repellent. I feel like I am finally getting on the right track with God and living the way He wants me to live, but I just can't catch a break.

Maybe I am full of breaks though, just not the ones I want. Will it take a man, job, kids, or fame to define me? If so, I have a bigger problem than I ever imagined. I don't want to be the 'fun crazy Aunt,' nor the loser friend that can't seem to make it on her own. Right now I am completely full of embarassment, frustration, self-pity, deflation, you name the negative adjective and that's how I feel. I want to be someone my parents are proud of and my friends look up to and strangers admire. I don't need wealth or fame and don't necessarily desire it. I just want to make a positive impact in people's lives and most importantly in my own. Is that just too much to reach for? Am I destined to fail at that too? God I hope not..