Well, today I am a turkey; in more ways than one. My computer geek bf broke up with me over the phone, again! "What?" yes, over the phone and again. The first time he broke up with me was over the phone right before I went to work and tonight (2 days after having probably the biggest fight ever) I invited him over for tonight or tomorrow and he called to say he wouldn't be coming over at all, again. Damn! He asked if I was really surprised and I told him I was, b/c he always told me he'd never be the one to break up with me again, it would have to be me that did it. Well ladies, that is not the case! When a man no longer wants to date you and he feels backed into a corner, he'll show his fangs.
The topic of contention has always been marriage, that dirty little 'm' word. I am very fond of it and he is not. Seems like I unassumingly pick the guys who are marriagephobic. WTH? What is it about me that seems to draw them into my life? And why do I endulge them and get my hopes up? I'm totally at that dreaded part of: "i'll never find anyone like him again! b/c he knew this, we did that, he liked this, he fixed that, etc." but logically that is a bunch of bologna. I know that, but dammit if it still doesn't hurt like a b****.
There is someone better suited for him and myself out there; now question is if we'll ever find them. For that I pray and wish every night. .. Agh! stupid girl! he was not my white horse and I'm not his princess! So.. I'm moving on and on to someone better ;) yeah! go me, you da bomb! yeah! go! .. -*cricket, chirp, chirp*
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Dehydrated
I am completely friend deprived. I never thought I would be experiencing such a loss in my life before, but alas here I am. I have never had to work so hard at finding friends, making them, and keeping them. Lots of people tell me that is the nature of L.A., but I'm not so sure. My cousin has been friends with lots of people in L.A. for years and that was even before she had kids.
When I first moved here I was friend hungry and went searching them out and slowly began finding them, and funny thing is that most turned out to be guys. Well flash forward to now, 4 years later, and those guy friends have gotten married, become my bf, and have just grown apart. I have been actively looking for girl (friends), even joining a women's bible study at my church, but felt like a complete outsider for months and decided not to go back. I work with all guys and the girl-friends I had made have gradually moved on, while I stay right here trying to find out what happened.
Do I smell? have horrible breath? Am I ungrateful? I wish it would rain friends. My girl-friends back home are just that; 2500 miles away and that certainly puts a damper on the relationship. I feel so not a part of anyone's life, even out here. Even my cousin (who I would like to think I am close with) didn't even think about asking me to pick her up from the airport. She forgot about me. I just feel like I am making a lot of effort to make the friendships I do have, last, but it doesn't feel reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to someone about that, but wouldn't that be easy if they were true friends?
There is a big part of me that would jump on the next plane back to the Midwest if there were any good acting jobs and the weather was better. My family (most of whom I like) and most of my good, solid friends are there. Unfortunately, my old city may be a booming metropolis, but it is still a long way off from L.A. and that's what keeps me here. I just wish I had more to show for actually being out here, especially for not having any friends. One would think I was a workaholic, or married w/ kids, or fame crazed. But I'm none of those things. I might as well go back to college along with all the others who haven't figured out their lives.
When I first moved here I was friend hungry and went searching them out and slowly began finding them, and funny thing is that most turned out to be guys. Well flash forward to now, 4 years later, and those guy friends have gotten married, become my bf, and have just grown apart. I have been actively looking for girl (friends), even joining a women's bible study at my church, but felt like a complete outsider for months and decided not to go back. I work with all guys and the girl-friends I had made have gradually moved on, while I stay right here trying to find out what happened.
Do I smell? have horrible breath? Am I ungrateful? I wish it would rain friends. My girl-friends back home are just that; 2500 miles away and that certainly puts a damper on the relationship. I feel so not a part of anyone's life, even out here. Even my cousin (who I would like to think I am close with) didn't even think about asking me to pick her up from the airport. She forgot about me. I just feel like I am making a lot of effort to make the friendships I do have, last, but it doesn't feel reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to someone about that, but wouldn't that be easy if they were true friends?
There is a big part of me that would jump on the next plane back to the Midwest if there were any good acting jobs and the weather was better. My family (most of whom I like) and most of my good, solid friends are there. Unfortunately, my old city may be a booming metropolis, but it is still a long way off from L.A. and that's what keeps me here. I just wish I had more to show for actually being out here, especially for not having any friends. One would think I was a workaholic, or married w/ kids, or fame crazed. But I'm none of those things. I might as well go back to college along with all the others who haven't figured out their lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)