Dehydrated

I am completely friend deprived. I never thought I would be experiencing such a loss in my life before, but alas here I am. I have never had to work so hard at finding friends, making them, and keeping them. Lots of people tell me that is the nature of L.A., but I'm not so sure. My cousin has been friends with lots of people in L.A. for years and that was even before she had kids.

When I first moved here I was friend hungry and went searching them out and slowly began finding them, and funny thing is that most turned out to be guys. Well flash forward to now, 4 years later, and those guy friends have gotten married, become my bf, and have just grown apart. I have been actively looking for girl (friends), even joining a women's bible study at my church, but felt like a complete outsider for months and decided not to go back. I work with all guys and the girl-friends I had made have gradually moved on, while I stay right here trying to find out what happened.

Do I smell? have horrible breath? Am I ungrateful? I wish it would rain friends. My girl-friends back home are just that; 2500 miles away and that certainly puts a damper on the relationship. I feel so not a part of anyone's life, even out here. Even my cousin (who I would like to think I am close with) didn't even think about asking me to pick her up from the airport. She forgot about me. I just feel like I am making a lot of effort to make the friendships I do have, last, but it doesn't feel reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to someone about that, but wouldn't that be easy if they were true friends?

There is a big part of me that would jump on the next plane back to the Midwest if there were any good acting jobs and the weather was better. My family (most of whom I like) and most of my good, solid friends are there. Unfortunately, my old city may be a booming metropolis, but it is still a long way off from L.A. and that's what keeps me here. I just wish I had more to show for actually being out here, especially for not having any friends. One would think I was a workaholic, or married w/ kids, or fame crazed. But I'm none of those things. I might as well go back to college along with all the others who haven't figured out their lives.