On The Brink

Could I really be dealing with this? Am I seriously at this point in my 28 years?

I pride myself on being an excellent employee, but I guess it wasn't enough for my most recent employer. I was placed on an unofficial probation without pay for four days; and then my boss will decide if I am worthy enough to come back. I have Never, Ever been fired, let alone put on probation and this is just killing my spirit. I will be honest and let you know that I did make a lapse in judgement by leaving the office and using my lunch hour to donate blood in our building and not informing my boss, but he is now telling me it is not just about that. I have done nothing but work my bum off for this guy and his company and now, after singing my praises for three months, he lets me go in the blink of an eye.

At this point, I will walk away with barely a sliver of my dignity, but nevertheless I will walk away. I feel like such a failure and I am really getting tired of it! I am always the friend with drama going on in her life and I really don't want to be that girl anymore. I have family drama, boy drama, work drama, what else is there? I hate being the one with all the stories and all the problems. I cannot believe I am starting over so late in life; yet in comparison to some it is not that late. I don't have a purpose either, and that scares me. I know what I want to do and what I desire, but there is really nothing for me to get out of bed for. Almost all my friends have at least a husband, but most have kids. I can't even handle keeping a decent guy around. It's like I am wearing 'good' repellent. I feel like I am finally getting on the right track with God and living the way He wants me to live, but I just can't catch a break.

Maybe I am full of breaks though, just not the ones I want. Will it take a man, job, kids, or fame to define me? If so, I have a bigger problem than I ever imagined. I don't want to be the 'fun crazy Aunt,' nor the loser friend that can't seem to make it on her own. Right now I am completely full of embarassment, frustration, self-pity, deflation, you name the negative adjective and that's how I feel. I want to be someone my parents are proud of and my friends look up to and strangers admire. I don't need wealth or fame and don't necessarily desire it. I just want to make a positive impact in people's lives and most importantly in my own. Is that just too much to reach for? Am I destined to fail at that too? God I hope not..

Caved

I can't believe I pushed so many things out of my mind! It's like when you don't write in your journal for months and then finally pick it up, you can't believe you wasted so much time! Frankly, I've been too scared to write. I've been too scared to do a lot of things, but not too scared to follow my heart. I left L.A. 4 months ago, but I'm still not sure for how long. I needed to get away, sometimes it feels like the city starts running your life and you forget who is really in control. Maybe in a way I ran, but nevertheless I vacated and I have not regretted it for one second.

I have been able to catch up with 'me' and my wonderful, amazing friends that have begged me to come home for awhile. At first I came with fire and passion, but ended up jobless for 2 months. That was a rude, but necessary awakening. Now, I am fresh out of a 2 month fling and working diligently with a great company and really enjoying myself. I never thought I would be content living back home again, but it's actually been really great. I honestly don't know how long I'll be here, but it feels really great to know I don't have to set roots anywhere! I live only for God and myself and I will venture wherever he leads me. I love that feeling of not being tied down anywhere! I may not love the fact I'm single, but perhaps it suits me right now, because I'm not sure of where I want to be.

I'm not sure if I want to go back to acting (in LA) or if I want to go back to school or join the Peace Corps or maybe I'll meet my husband and we'll want to start a family! I have no clue and I am actually OK with that. I may seem like a very clueless girl who is way too afraid of commitment, but I honestly don't believe I am. I am still young and have no attachments, so it's great to kind of figure it all out as I go along.

I caved in though; I called the computer geek. I would Never have guessed I would ever call him. It's been 7 months and I have been going strong! But, boom! I am watching this movie and I am flooded with this memory of us and I get a little nostalgic. I'm not thinking of how we could get back together, I am honestly missing his friendship. Usually there is another motive, but there isn't this time. I guess I don't really know what I expected, but I just wanted to talk to a friend I hadn't missed, until now. It was probably the wrong move, but it's too late and I can't undo it. It was probably best he didn't answer, but he's going to get one seriously crazy message. What was I to say? It was awkward and silly, but that's pretty much me. Hopefully, I'll keep plugging away and not linger too much in the past. I know and he knows, that we just aren't right for each other, but it doesn't take away all the time we spent together, nor the silly inside jokes we made! Ugh, those kill me! OK, I will get my head on straight and continue to carry on. I've been doing great, and there is no reason I can't continue to do so. I promise not to wait so long next time.

My Biss

I found bliss the other day and I wasn't even looking for it. Of course I want it all the time and yearn for it, but on this particular day, it wasn't on my mind. I decided to take a much overdue trip to the beach, with my rabbit in tow. We ventured to a new little spot farther down than we usually go. I found a pretty secluded spot on this secluded piece of beach, and set up our usual routine: blanket and her open cage door. I sit on the blanket and stare out at the sea with it's roaring waves and breathe in the salt air, all while waiting for Pinguini to make her debut.

We sat for awhile and at one point she curled up in the crook of my body and I laid my head down and just pet her. The temperature was just perfection; warm sun on my face and a steady cool breeze running over us. She never likes to go far from me, so she usually stays right up alongside me or underneath me. I love the feeling of being sought for protection and love. There was nothing in the world I needed to do, no where I needed to be except right there on the beach with that wonderful creature.

I adopted Pinguini two years ago, the first time my heart was broken in L.A. I went to the pet store looking for a hamster or something for minor comfort and I saw this beautiful white bunny in a homemade rabbit hutch, off to the side of the store. I wanted so badly to pet her, but was a little afraid because her eyes were so blue they appeared red in the light. I thought "oh what a cute bunny, as soon as I stick my hand in there she's going to go possessed on me!" But there were these two children who opened up her cage with no timidity and pet her and she licked their hands. I couldn't help but smile and think, "well, if she didn't bite them.." So after they walked away, I reached my hand in and she licked me too. She gave me so many bunny kisses and it just filled up my heart.

For awhile I wasn't sure I should've adopted her, because I had no idea how much work rabbits can be, but all along the way someone was looking out for both of us. She may occasionally get startled and nip me, but overall she has brought a light to my life and I understand what it's like to need companionship. I was never one to rely on an animal for it, but she is so special. I took her to the beach with me about a week after I got her and she never once tried to runaway. Since the beach seems to be our special spot I named her after this little cafe that sits right near where we park. Everytime I would see the cafe's sign I would giggle and smile; just something about the word was funny to me and brought up my spirits. Therefore I christened her "Pinguini" and everytime I say her name or see her I am filled with love and utter bliss. I wish everyday could be a day just like this.

What Mr. Tulane taught me

With tears streaming down my face and sobs and wails erupting from deep with-in me, I understand. I understand about love and why we love and why we must keep our hearts open in order to love again. This, I learn from a children's book. How could a lesson of this magnitude be written and understood for children? Why not? I would most certainly want my child to understand the meaning of love. And here am I, 27, and re-learning what it's all about.
Keep your heart open and never give up hope that there is someone out there to love and love you in return. Of course this could only effect me in such a manner b/c I am a lover of a certain stuffed animal that has always accompanied me, and of course I am nursing a broken heart.

I felt just like this character in this story b/c he was so heartbroken he didn't see the point in loving again; it just hurt too much when it was over. The words I read were never more true, never more meaningful, and I don't believe I would have ever truly understood them until today. The voice of reason coursed through him, just like those around me and as badly as you want to give up and resign to being alone, you must break through and open up again. We, as God's creation, are designed for love. We need it and yearn for it. Of course it is painful when we must let it go, but we shall find it again. And think about it, we always do.

I can't lie, I have always loved again and I have been loved as well. It's not just in the manner of boy/girl love either, it is all manners of love. The love of an understanding friend, a surrogate mother, an animal... Love is all around us and it's important not to let it go. It may be our duty to lift someone else up one day and remind them what love is all about, or maybe someone will remind us. I haven't cried these kind of tears in awhile, and it felt good, refreshing, cathartic. Yet, now I must re-open what I hoped would remain closed for awhile, my heart. I had even closed myself to my own pet rabbit (if that's not a dark heart I don't know what is.) Needless to say, as sad and lovely as this storybook was, it helped me to understand the true meaning of love and the important responsibility behind it. It should never be a fleeting word or emotion, but one to be savored and relished.

I can only pray and hope to continue to keep my heart open to love of all kinds and to let it flow out generously.

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by: Kate DiCamillo

Invisible barrier

Turns out that I'm not as fine as I first thought. Besides being mad as hell, I'm utterly lonely. While I was dating 'computer geek' I knew I needed more friends and I was desperately looking, but now I'm seriously out of luck. I lost my love and my friend and that just sucks. Also I've lost time at work so I basically have the most time on my hands I've ever had and no one to spend it with. I have been reaching out to other people at work, b/c people say that's the best place to make friends, but they are not reaching back. LA is not the town to make friends or at least decent ones. The friends around me are suddenly moving away, taking very long vacations, or just not around. My passion for acting has burned out for now and my lack of funds has made that happen, dramatically. I hate being the sourpuss, but that's what I'm going through right now and it's just not pretty. I need a soft place to land. There are so many things I want to do and now is the time I should be doing them, before I get tied down (if I ever do.)

All I know is that I am miserable, completely alone and unhappy. I am living my days like I'm waiting for the grim reaper, and my friend, that is no way to live a life. I wish I could take a happy pill b/c I would, in a heartbeat. I don't want to think about my wasted year and who I wasted it for. I don't want to think about anything, I want to do what I want to do. I want to not be scared, but feel driven towards a goal. I want to be surrounded by people who love and care for me and that only leads to me to one place... "The best is yet to come, darling, the best is yet to come." Oh, Lord, don't fail me now! (you never do)

and I thought Thanksgiving was sad for turkeys!

Well, today I am a turkey; in more ways than one. My computer geek bf broke up with me over the phone, again! "What?" yes, over the phone and again. The first time he broke up with me was over the phone right before I went to work and tonight (2 days after having probably the biggest fight ever) I invited him over for tonight or tomorrow and he called to say he wouldn't be coming over at all, again. Damn! He asked if I was really surprised and I told him I was, b/c he always told me he'd never be the one to break up with me again, it would have to be me that did it. Well ladies, that is not the case! When a man no longer wants to date you and he feels backed into a corner, he'll show his fangs.

The topic of contention has always been marriage, that dirty little 'm' word. I am very fond of it and he is not. Seems like I unassumingly pick the guys who are marriagephobic. WTH? What is it about me that seems to draw them into my life? And why do I endulge them and get my hopes up? I'm totally at that dreaded part of: "i'll never find anyone like him again! b/c he knew this, we did that, he liked this, he fixed that, etc." but logically that is a bunch of bologna. I know that, but dammit if it still doesn't hurt like a b****.

There is someone better suited for him and myself out there; now question is if we'll ever find them. For that I pray and wish every night. .. Agh! stupid girl! he was not my white horse and I'm not his princess! So.. I'm moving on and on to someone better ;) yeah! go me, you da bomb! yeah! go! .. -*cricket, chirp, chirp*

Dehydrated

I am completely friend deprived. I never thought I would be experiencing such a loss in my life before, but alas here I am. I have never had to work so hard at finding friends, making them, and keeping them. Lots of people tell me that is the nature of L.A., but I'm not so sure. My cousin has been friends with lots of people in L.A. for years and that was even before she had kids.

When I first moved here I was friend hungry and went searching them out and slowly began finding them, and funny thing is that most turned out to be guys. Well flash forward to now, 4 years later, and those guy friends have gotten married, become my bf, and have just grown apart. I have been actively looking for girl (friends), even joining a women's bible study at my church, but felt like a complete outsider for months and decided not to go back. I work with all guys and the girl-friends I had made have gradually moved on, while I stay right here trying to find out what happened.

Do I smell? have horrible breath? Am I ungrateful? I wish it would rain friends. My girl-friends back home are just that; 2500 miles away and that certainly puts a damper on the relationship. I feel so not a part of anyone's life, even out here. Even my cousin (who I would like to think I am close with) didn't even think about asking me to pick her up from the airport. She forgot about me. I just feel like I am making a lot of effort to make the friendships I do have, last, but it doesn't feel reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to someone about that, but wouldn't that be easy if they were true friends?

There is a big part of me that would jump on the next plane back to the Midwest if there were any good acting jobs and the weather was better. My family (most of whom I like) and most of my good, solid friends are there. Unfortunately, my old city may be a booming metropolis, but it is still a long way off from L.A. and that's what keeps me here. I just wish I had more to show for actually being out here, especially for not having any friends. One would think I was a workaholic, or married w/ kids, or fame crazed. But I'm none of those things. I might as well go back to college along with all the others who haven't figured out their lives.